


The Ghost of my Love

by WhiteOphelia



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Character Development, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Fandoms Against Domestic Violence, Fundraisers, Implied/Referenced Minor Character Death, Infidelity, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-08-18 17:31:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8170034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiteOphelia/pseuds/WhiteOphelia
Summary: When the one you love is only hurting you and the pain is making you lose yourself bit by bit, is it possible to let them go and set yourself free? Is it really possible to let them go when the mere thought of their name causes your heart to flutter, and breathing without having them near you is so, so painful? Is it really possible to finally love yourself more?





	1. Who's Steve Rogers?

**Author's Note:**

> This little teaser is part of a story I wrote for the [Fandoms Against Domestic Violence](http://fundraisers.fanaticfanfics.com/), a noble project that'll help raise money to help the many - so, so many - people that experienced this terrible violence. Hoping to do some good and spread awareness of this terrible plague that's violence against a loved one.  
> What will you receive for your donation?  
> A couple of dozen authors are helping with this cause by submitting stories - usually fanfictions. You can find a fandoms and pairings list on the fundraiser page. Betas and artists are helping too by correcting stories and making banners.  
> All these stories will be then collected in a compilation that will be sent on November 15th to all the people who'd donated prior to that date.  
> All the stories, then, will be freely posted by their authors after January, 15th 2017.
> 
> Please, help these wonderful people raise money, and spread the word to your friends and family.  
> Take a look at the fundraiser website and the other teasers of the stories other authors decided to submit to help.  
> Every dollar, euro, penny etc. raised will be a loving hand to help these people.  
> .  
> .  
> A big thank you to the lovely SarcasticBimbo that betaed this story for me - since english is not my mother-tongue, I didn't feel quite okay with posting it without an english native speaker to take a look at it first.  
> She did a fantastic job, even with the super short notice I gave her. Thank you, dear.
> 
>  
> 
> DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

* * *

 

 _"This is the last time I'm asking you why,_  
_You break my heart in the blink of an eye."_  
  
\- The last time, Taylor Swift ft. Gary Lightbody

 

 

When Darcy started reflecting about the moment her life took a turn for the worse, she would undoubtedly whisper a name: _Steve_.

 

Steve Rogers was the stuff of dreams.  
  
Every girl grew up with the image of the perfect guy "à la Steve Rogers".  
  
Every girl remembers the old saying of "Why settle for a nobody, when you can have a Steve Rogers?" when dealing with first loves - and first heartbreaks.  
  
Studying US History was the highlight of the day of every high school student: the boys all wanted to be strong and fierce like Steve Rogers, and the girls all wanted to be Peggy Carter - because Peggy Carter was Steve Rogers' love interest and Steve Rogers was the perfect guy to introduce to your parents and family, to your friends and colleagues. The "boy-scout" with the body of a Greek god and the face of an angel.  
  
The hot guy who'll love you, protect you and care for you.  
  
The handsome man who'll be loyal to you, and to you only, and who'll give you the perfect life you deserve.  
  
Then growing up, all girls started forgetting about the perfect man and looking for the bad boy, the one wearing leather, with piercings and tattoos, the one for whom you would sneak through your window and kiss behind his steering wheel. The one who'll break your heart but will give you one hell of a ride in the meantime.  
  
But Steve Rogers? Steve Rogers will always be every girl's first love.

 

Darcy Lewis always thought Steve Rogers was a lie.  
  
How can a guy be this perfect? Surely even Captain America had skeletons or weird quirks, right? Maybe he was a freak under the sheets, or a complete mess? Maybe he wasn't that good of a kisser? A neat freak? Too bossy? Maybe he was a bit frigid, like the times of his youth dictated?  
  
Darcy never was one of those girls who dream about the good guy, the perfect little family.  
  
She didn't care about it - she still doesn't.  
  
She never paid much attention to him while studying WWII, more interested in the political implications and consequences of the war.  
  
She never paid much attention to the breathy sighs of her girl classmates when his picture popped up in their textbooks. She never got it.  
  
Who would want that much fake perfection?  
  
She never paid much attention to him till the day she met him at Avengers Tower, on a Monday - because it's always on Monday, isn't it?  
  
That fateful Monday, March 4, 2016, when she met the guy who would first open up her heart to love and passion to then shattering it into million pieces. The one who would break her soul and crush her dreams and hopes in a short few months.  
  
  
_The guy who would change her forever._


	2. The Ghost of my Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the one you love is only hurting you and the pain is making you lose yourself bit by bit, is it possible to let them go and set yourself free? Is it really possible to let them go when the mere thought of their name causes your heart to flutter, and breathing without having them near you is so, so painful? Is it really possible to finally love yourself more?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, dears.  
> Finally here with the real "body" of this story.  
> In November, I posted the first two paragraphs of the story as a teaser to try and find more people to involve in the Fandoms Against Domestic Violence foundraiser, and now that the you-are-free-to-post-it date is here... Here we go with the whole fan fiction.  
> I've been so eager to post it! You have no idea how excited I am. This is my first fan fiction in the Marvel Universe, the first with one of my favourite couple in the whole MCU - and my favourite character, the lovely Darcy Lewis, obviously.  
> So, as you already know english is not my first language - not even my second, actually - that's why I'm asking you to please be kind with me. If you find any mistake, let me know and I will correct them right away.  
> I love this language and I'm always willing to learn more and improve myself.  
> So, corrections, advices, simple conversations, fangirling... They're all more than welcome :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!

* * *

* * *

 

It all started with a movie night.

 

Darcy was laying comfortably on a sofa, Thor's hair between her fingers and the Asgardian lazily seated on the floor, a plate full of pop-tarts his main focus while Jane was munching on a bowl of popcorn sitting between Darcy's sprawled legs and the sofa armrest; Clint and Tony were bickering about the film they would watch, while Natasha was rolling her eyes while browsing through a gossip magazine that had been left on the living room table a few days prior by Clint - probably.  
  
Bruce was enjoying his cup of green tea while talking quietly with Pepper when Steve entered the room.  
  
Darcy had already met him the previous day, when he came back without his buddy - Sam - from a three-months hunt of his not-quite-dead turned-Hydra-or-maybe-not best friend from the '40s and asked Tony if his offer to stay in the Tower was still standing.  
  
Obviously, Tony was more than happy to have all his fellow Avengers under his roof - " _Of course, Capsicle. Mi casa es tu casa; or torre, in this case. Right, Pepper? Pepper? Tower's torre in spanish, is it not? Anyway, you know how the saying goes, Cap,_ " - and so Steve moved in, in all of his 6 feet 2 inches of blond, righteous, patriotic perfection.  
  
He came into the room, said hello to everyone and just sat in an armchair waiting for the rest of them to pick a movie and start it.  
  
He was focused on the screen, long legs stretched out in front of him, back straight and a tired face.  
  
The first thing Darcy thought was that he seemed lonely - and sad.  
  
She knew what it was like not having any family left, feeling alone and abandoned in a world you neither know nor understand.  
  
Darcy knew and felt a connection with that solitary man almost instantly.

 

That night was the night that signed her destiny, when her big, blue eyes met those cerulean ones on the other side of the room and she decided to befriend him, show him that he wasn't alone.  


If only she had known that she wouldn’t be showing him anything, and that the only thing he would be showing her was pain...

 

  
Steve noticed her the moment he stepped into the Tower. How could he not when she seemed to come out of his every dream? When she seemed to come out of his era, with all her curves and ruby red lips?  
  
She was the personification of his perfect girl: all lush curves, sparkling blue eyes, a wicked sense of humour and a wit that went hand in hand with his.  
  
And that red, red lipstick, so similar to Peggy's…  
  
The moment Peggy's name came to his mind he understood why he felt so attracted to that girl.  
  
_She's like my Peggy, only from this century.  
_  
Probably not so interesting, or brave, or funny as his Peggy, but so very similar - on the outside.  
  
It needed just a few seconds, that thought, to turn the attraction Steve felt for her into hatred.  
  
How dare she? How dare she resemble so much a woman she can never be?  
  
She'll never be half the woman Peggy was. Never.  
  
The moment those thoughts crossed his mind was the one that decided Darcy Lewis' future would be one of hurt.  


  
It was a couple of weeks later when everything changed.  


A Stark party in full swing in the billionaire’s penthouse.  
  
A couple of cocktails in everyone's stomach and loud music filling the space.  
  
He noticed her as soon as his eyes swept the room; she was wearing a midnight blue, long satin dress, her back covered from neck to lower back in fine, blue lace. Her hair pinned in a low bun with a few strands purposely left out and artistically framing her face and those red, red lips standing out on her beautiful, pale face.  
  
She was a vision and he was drawn to her like a moth to a flame.  
  
All those walls he carefully built during the last two weeks went tumbling down at the sight of her red mouth and her bright smile.  
  
_She looked like an angel.  
_  
They spoke for the first time that night.  
  
Just a few minutes for the attraction to spark again, brighter and hotter than before.  
  
Just half an hour to chat her up and bring her to his apartment.  
  
Just a night to lose himself in the soft curves of her body, the breathy sighs and the throaty moans, the exquisite contortion of her face when in the grip of pleasure.  
  
Just a night to close his eyes and think about another woman, another body, another face on the one of the girl laying naked under him.  
  
That ruby red lipstick still bright on those plump lips, so similar to those of another woman - his woman.  
  
They came almost together, his name falling from those luscious lips but another one leaving those of the man holding her close, so close.

Just a murmur, a soft whisper, too low for the girl to hear, a prayer... _"Peggy"_.  


  
They started that way.  


A night together turned into another one, and another one, and another one.  
  
A one night stand turned into a full physical relationship, a secret one.  
  
It was exciting, at the beginning.  
  
It was thrilling, intoxicating. It was dangerous, but Darcy loved it.  
  
She loved being with him. The way he always looked at her like she was his one and only, like she was perfect, too. She felt worshiped by his hands, mouth, lips, by his body and his words.  
  
The only thing... He never said her name while having sex. Not a whisper, or a shout. Never a name, only grunts and moans.  
  
_Why does he never say my name?_  
  


Their relationship between the sheets kept going on for four months, before Darcy started wanting more.  
  
She wanted Jane to know. She wanted the other Avengers and their friends to know.  
  
She wanted to go out with him. Walking through the city, going to museums, and movies, and restaurants.  
  
She wanted to be able to grab his hand while with the other Avengers, kiss him in front of people.  
  
She wanted to, at least, be acknowledged when with people.  
  
But nothing ever happened.  
  
They would spend the night together in her bed, but he would sneak out soon after, no kisses, or shower together. No sleeping in the same bed or cuddles.  


She asked him, one night.  


“Why do you never stay, Steve?”  
  
Her voice was little more than a whisper, but Steve heard her loud and clear.  
  
He was sitting on the edge of the bed trying to put his socks on when Darcy uttered those words.  
  
“What do you mean?” he asked without even turning.  
  
Darcy sat up in her bed, sheets under her chin with her hands buried in them.  
  
“I mean, after sex. You're always in a rush.”  
  
She didn't understand. What were they?  
  
Steve stopped what he was doing but didn't answer, so Darcy went on.  
  
“I just-I don't know what we are. What are we, Steve? None of our friends knows about us. I haven't even said a word to Jane! And she's like a sister to me. I got that you wanted to keep it quiet in the beginning, but it's almost four months now, Steve. What are we? Where do we stand?”  
  
Steve took a fortifying breath. He didn't know what to say.  
  
Darcy waited long moments for his reply, but Steve seemed frozen.  
  
Tears started pooling in her eyes.  
  
She cleared her throat and the words that came out were so quiet that Steve could hear the anguish behind them.  
  
“I like you, Steve. I really, really like you. You're funny, and warm, and honest. You put others' well-being before your own; you always try to do what's right, always fighting for what other people can't fight for. You're always so sincere. You have the weight of the whole world on your shoulders but you never take even a day to sulk or just rage for what you had to sacrifice for the greater good. You lost so much but you don't let your grief cripple you, still standing proud. I-I like who you are. You make me feel like I matter, like I'm finally somebody. I feel safe and protected with you, and I feel like... I feel like I could really love you, you know? But I need to know where you stand, Steve, because I can't put myself out there waiting for you to hold my hand and walk the path with me if you don't feel the same. So, please, Steve, please... Answer me.”  
  
Steve lost his breath.  
  
He liked Darcy, but he wasn't ready to leave Peggy behind - he would never, ever be.  
  
“I like you, too,” was his only response.  
  
Darcy waited for more, but that more never came.  
  
Steve got up, already dressed and ready to go.  
  
He turned around and looked at the girl still waiting for more. A love confession, maybe? Or just a statement of his intentions.  
  
Hope was still shining in her eyes, but even that - the feeling that never dies and springs eternal - was dimming with every second passing after his words, till nothing was left in those pools of blue.  
  
She nodded, her grip on the sheets covering her turning her knuckles white.  
  
Steve looked at her for a few more moments, the glassiness of her eyes and unsteadiness of her breath a dead giveaway of her turmoil, before giving her a goodnight and leaving her bedroom.  
  
That night, Darcy cried the first tears caused by Steve Rogers.  


  
Things stayed the way they were for a while, before finally changing.  


Steve would appear in her bedroom at night, have sex with her - sometimes for hours, sometime just a few minutes - then leave with a goodnight.  
  
Then, he started to show in the afternoon. He would bring her a movie and food and they would spend the day together, sitting on Darcy's sofa while eating take-out and watching old films, and new tv shows.  
  
Sometimes he would come back in the morning with breakfast, a cup of coffee to-go and a shy smile.  
  
Then, he started to ask her out to the cinema, or a burger in the café down in Brooklyn that’s had the best food since he was a teenager.  
  
They went together to the Met, to parks and exhibitions, and they visited parts of the city that were the same since before Steve was born.  
  
Steve started hanging out with Darcy more and more, and even their fellow Avengers started seeing their bond for the first time.  


Jane was the first one to know about her relationship with Steve, but Darcy asked her to keep her mouth shut about it.  
  
Jane did, only telling Thor and asking him to swear on his honour not to say a word outside their apartment.  


Thor congratulated Darcy the next night, when she went to their apartment for dinner - Jane said not to tell a word outside their walls, and he was technically inside their apartment, right? - and Darcy blushed red but stuttered out a thank you.  
  
Thor was pleased that his Lightning Sister had found a honourable warrior like Steve but was a bit peeved when knowing that Steve didn't want the other Avengers to know. She chalked it up to Steve being reserved, but Thor noticed the shadow passing through Darcy's eyes when talking about it.  
  
He decided to say nothing, but started observing his fellow team-mate more closely.  


It wasn't until after two months later that Darcy and Steve finally came out.  


  
They were watching a movie all together, when Steve decided to let everyone know.  


He entered the room and strode towards Darcy's place on the sofa. He fell down next to her, gave her a smile and took her hand, pulling her closer to him. Darcy went willingly, if not a bit numbly.  
  
He looked at her with a bright if not a bit shy smile and sparkling eyes, nestling Darcy in the cradle of his arms that were bracketing her, while her back was flush against Steve's torso.  
  
He lowered his head and kissed her hair, murmuring a tender " _Hi_ " in her hair while the whole room fell silent.  
  
Thor nodded in approval with Jane perched in front of him, looking all smug and happy.  
  
Tony sputtered some nonsensical words, Natasha smirked, Bruce smiled in his cup and Clint’s eyes comically widened. Pepper laughed heartily and smacked Tony on the back of his head because he was still trying to understand what he was seeing.  
  
Darcy laughed and nestled a bit more in Steve's arms.  


That night was a good one. A _perfect_ one.  


  
Things seemed to be finally looking up, but everything changed on a Monday morning - it's always Monday when things start tumbling down, isn't it? -, when Steve received a text that would shatter all their progress.  
  
Everything changed the day Margaret "Peggy" Carter died.  


Darcy noticed right away that something was different with Steve when she looked at his face after reading a text on his cellphone.  
  
He spoke a few words, but the pain was evident in every one of them.  
  
“She's gone.”  
  
Darcy immediately understood who he was referring to.  
  
Peggy Carter had just left their world to go be a badass spy in Heaven.  
  
She knew he must have been hurting, so she decided to show him her support, silently offering him a cup of hot chocolate and a blanket, when she found him in the common room late that night, after he plowed through a dozen boxing bags in the Avengers' Gym.  
  
She sat next to him and held him while he cried for the loss of the woman she thought he'd loved in another life.  


That night Steve slept in her bed still dressed, his head on Darcy's lap while her fingers combed through his hair and his silent tears stained her jeans.  


The next morning she silently left him sleeping and made him breakfast.  
  
She brought it to bed where he was laying awake.  
  
They ate together and before heading out for her day at work, Darcy hugged him fiercely, telling him she was there for him and that " _everything's gonna be alright, Steve. I swear_."  
  
Steve hugged her back, just as deeply, and kissed her hair whispering a broken “thank you” before telling her goodbye.  


That was the last time she would see him for days.

 

  
He came back from the funeral different.  
  
Two weeks in London spent going through Peggy's belongings and not a call, or a text to Darcy.  
  
She decided not to take it to heart. He was hurting, she could understand, but when he came back, he was different, more distant, closed off.  
  
He never visited her during the night that first week after being back and he disappeared during the day.  


She would know what - or better who - exactly changed him a month later.

 

  
Steve was back in her bed, but the nights and mornings they shared together the months prior were like they never happened.  
  
She thought things finally were looking up, now that they were a couple and that everyone was privy to their status.  


Just a name, just a name was enough, and everything went crumbling down: Sharon Carter.

 

  
Steve re-met his neighbour at Peggy's funeral.  
  
Her name was Sharon, not Kate, and she was Peggy's _niece_.  
  
Steve lost sight of anything else the moment she climbed the pulpit and told the world who she was and what her relation to Peggy was.  


They drank together after the funeral and Sharon told him everything about her, and about Aunt Peggy; how she always told her to wait for a Steve Rogers of her own, because that's what a girl like her deserves. " _A beautiful man who loves you for who you are, Sharon. Strong, brave, loyal. Someone who'll keep you safe but won't smother you. A gentleman in a sea of scoundrels_."  
  
Sharon chuckled. “You know, it's not easy to live up to the legend that is Steve Rogers. Aunt Peggy never approved of any of my boyfriends. I used to be so angry about it, but now? Now I understand why she behaved like that,” she said while looking up at Steve through her lashes, a coy little smile gracing her pink lips.  


Steve felt a kinship with her the moment she revealed her true parentage.  
  
She was a part of Peggy, her niece. She was the reminder of his lost love in the body of a beautiful, leggy blonde. An agent, not a civilian, not a simple woman.  


They spent two weeks together, not going further than a kiss after too many drinks that first night, until the night before coming back home, when Sharon brought him to her hotel room and Steve didn't protest, a hotel room where they spent the night together.  
  
They told each other goodbye the next morning with the promise of seeing each other - as friends, maybe? - when back in New York.  


Steve didn't even think about Darcy till he stepped foot out of the plane and found Happy waiting for him.  
  
The pain that lanced through his body the moment he understood what he'd done was a fair retribution for the act he committed.  


He went back to the life he had and decided to forget about what happened with Sharon - they just tried to help each other, they did what they did in a moment of weakness, when grief and pain ran strong through their bodies and souls. He came back to Darcy, to her girlfriend, and never uttered a word about the blonde.

  
  
It was a month after his return that Sharon was back in his life and his relationship with Darcy took a turn for the worse.

 

  
Steve met her in the Tower Cafeteria.  


He was having lunch with Sam and Clint when she entered the room and went straight for him.  
  
Steve got up and hugged her tightly without noticing a pair of blue eyes that had just entered the room and saw the whole scene.  
  
Steve and Sharon spent the afternoon catching up and then he took her out to dinner and the pub where Sam, Clint and Natasha were waiting for him.  
  
Natasha and Clint exchanged a quick look when they noticed the company Steve was in, but decided not to say a word and see how it would play out before interfering.  
  
Sam looked disappointed at the two blondes but decided to wait for his friend to tell him what was going on before strangling him. Was he really that stupid that he would leave a girl like Darcy behind for the reminder of a lost love?  


Steve didn't notice the looks he was receiving and sat down in their booth, shot a quick text to Darcy telling her he was out with the other Avengers and to not wait up for him, before dismissing his phone and enjoying his night out.

 

  
The pattern went on for the whole week of Sharon’s visit.

  
  
Steve would always be out with the other Avengers and Darcy never saw him outside of the cafeteria where he was always in Sharon's company.  


He would come back to her apartment some nights and have fast, energetic sex with her, before falling asleep giving her his back or going back to his apartment.  


Darcy knew. She knew. She fucking knew something happened between the two.  
  
They were too close, always attached at the hips.  
  
And she recognised the look Sharon wore: _she wanted him_.

 

Clint noticed the pattern and all the signs.  


Steve was distancing himself from Darcy every day a bit more, and the looks between him and Sharon were ones of people who'd been together, who'd shared a bed, not just friends.

  
Natasha felt disgusted by Steve's behaviour and cornered him a day after their sparring session, while Clint kept sharpening his arrows, his back leaning against the door frame, silently giving support to his redhead friend. His eyes were focused on his arrows but the line of his mouth gave away the anger he was feeling on Darcy's behalf.  
  
“I never thought this day would _ever_ come, Rogers” were the biting words the redhead threw him.  
  
Steve lifted his head, brows furrowed. “What do you mean, Natasha?”  
  
The Russian circled him, like a shark, before giving him a withering look.  
  
“You cheated on Darcy.”  
  
Four words. Four venomous words were enough.  
  
Steve froze, his eyes opening wide.  
  
Clint scoffed under his breath, a full line of expletives leaving his mouth.  
  
“How did-how did you know?” the blond asked, his hands trembling.  
  
Natasha shook her head, disappointed.  
  
“You just told me,” were the flat words the Russian gave him, but her eyes - _oh, her eyes_ \- they promised vengeance and a world of hurt.  
  
“You'll lose her, Rogers. You'll lose her and you'll deserve it. Because, _Captain_? You're not worthy of that girl,” and with those last words, Natasha and Clint disappeared from his sight.

 

  
A whole week. A whole week of doubts, and fears, and second thoughts.  
  
She knew something happened.  
  
Clint and Natasha always wore blank masks when in the same room as Steve and her, and the looks of pity and sorrow entering their eyes when they laid on Darcy's told her what she needed to know.  
  
Sam distanced himself from Steve, too, and Darcy noted the disappointed look he always wore when looking at the blond.  
  
Steve's behaviour, then, gave her confirmation of her thoughts.  


She cracked a few days later.  


  
They were having dinner in Steve's apartment.  
  
Steve cooked for them and now was setting the table, while Darcy waited seated at it, looking at his boyfriend.  
  
“What happened between you and Sharon, Steve?”  
  
Steve froze, the plate he was about to set on the table still mid-air.  
  
“I don't know what you're talking about, Darcy. We're friends, I've already told you that,” was the shaky answer.  
  
But Darcy knew, she knew in her heart that something was wrong.  
  
“Steve, tell me the truth, please. You've spent the whole week with a person I had no idea you even knew. You're always close to each other. You bring her out with our friends—” Steve didn't let her finish.  
  
“They're my friends, not ours! And yes, I bring her with me because she's one of us, unlike you. She knows how our lives really are. She knows how this job really is, how vexing and taxing it can be. She knows what I do and the compromises that weigh on me, the difficult decisions I have to make in the field. She knows this work as well as I do. So stop berating her when you know nothing about her or our relationship, okay?” his tone was cold, and angry and high and Darcy was completely shocked at the fury she saw in his gaze.  
  
Steve was breathing hard, his fists clenching at his side.  
  
He took a few breaths before he realised how cruel he'd been, how angry and furious his words and tone sounded.  
  
He couldn't even comprehend why he reacted so strongly.  
  
He looked at his girlfriend and saw the shock and fear, the hurt swimming in her eyes.  
  
She was frozen in her seat, her heart hammering in her chest so fast and loud that Steve could hear it.  
  
Steve let out a faltering breath and started moving towards Darcy, still sitting completely frozen, eyes glassy and hands trembling.  
  
He felt like the cruellest man on earth.  
  
“Darcy, I—” but, this time, it was Darcy who didn't let him finish.  
  
“No, no, I get it. It's-It's not my business, right?” her words were shaky, her tone self-deprecating and emotions were showing behind her eyes.  
  
“I-I'm sorry I bothered you with my questions. I'll go, now.”  
  
Her chair made a scraping noise against the floor and her back was all he was able to see until she reached the elevator, asking for J.A.R.V.I.S. to bring her to her apartment; when she turned and he saw the tears streaming down her face he felt like someone stabbed him through his heart, but he made no move to reach her, or stop her. He let her go away with the complete conviction that she was nothing, only a dumb civilian, while Sharon Carter was someone who could get him, deeply.

 

Things just went downhill even more from there.

 

Sharon took a job at S.H.I.E.L.D. New York Headquarters and her time was spent between work as a liaison between S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Initiative and the friends she met through Steve.  
  
Only Clint and Natasha always stayed off to the side.

 

  
Sam was back in Washington D.C. while Thor and Jane were back in Asgard for the following two months with no idea of the turmoil their friend was going through having left them in the bliss of their love story a week before Peggy's death.  


Pepper, Maria and Sharon were always together, talking about work and having lunches and dates outside the Tower.  
  
No-one outside of Clint and Natasha saw the signs and Darcy's hurt kept growing, darker and bitter.  
  
Steve refused to let go of Sharon even knowing he was hurting Darcy.  
  
He needed her, the last reminder that Peggy existed, her last vestige, even if it meant that his girlfriend was hurting, deeply.  
  
Couldn't she understand how much he missed Peggy? How much he needed Sharon to remind Steve of the love of his life, the one he lost so cruelly?

 

  
Everything came to a halt the night Steve went back to his apartment to find Darcy collecting her things.

They weren't actually living together, but a few of her things had found their place in his apartment during those last months.  
  
They used to spend their time in his apartment after their "coming out" and Darcy had started to spend most of her nights in his bed, too, before everything went down.  
  
She was silently crying and didn't notice Steve when he came in.  


He watched her, finally watched her for real after months of keeping his head in his arse.  
  
She was so thin, and so pale.  
  
The lush figure he noticed the first day he met her was nowhere to be found, only angles and sharp bones, a gaunt face and hollow cheeks where before there was beautiful flesh and big, gorgeous smiles.  
  
Her skin was paper white and her eyes were dull, almost dead. She had dark circles under them and her hair fell limply on her back, much shorter that it was a few months ago.  


Had he been so distracted he didn’t even notice his girlfriend wither away?  
  
Had he really neglected her so much as not to notice how pale and thin she had become?  
  
Had he failed her so completely?  


It hurt, seeing her like this.  
  
It fucking hurt.  


Steve felt his heart give away at the sight of her, haunted and alone.  
  
He started remembering that he hadn't seen her on a movie night with the other Avengers or a family dinner in the last couple months - the exact amount of time Sharon had been there - and that he hasn't spent an afternoon with her for the same amount of time.  


No outings, no dinners, not even a quick chat.  


_What had he done?_  


He had a girlfriend, a girl that stayed by his side even when he acted like an asshole and used her only for sex. When he couldn't be bothered to let the others know about them, nor buy flowers for her, or ask her out for a romantic date together.  
  
He had a girlfriend always ready to help him, even silently; someone who understood him from the beginning - " _I like you, Steve. I really like you. You have the weight of the whole world on your shoulders but you never take even a day to sulk or just rage for what you had to sacrifice for the greater good. You lost so much but you don't let your grief cripple you, still standing proud. I-I like who you are. You make me feel like I matter, like I'm finally somebody. I feel safe and protected with you, and I feel like... I feel like I could really love you, you know?_ " and she did love him. She told him, one night when she thought he was sleeping. She told him she loved him - " _I love you, Steve. So, so much_." - and he faked sleep so he didn’t have to respond.  


She told him she liked that he was always honest and sincere, but he hasn't been with her, has he?  


He started seeing her only for her resemblance to Peggy. He had sex with her thinking of another woman under him. He cheated on her that last night in London, he put her aside the moment he met Sharon. He neglected her, stole her friends away from her when he spent his nights out with them and Sharon, excluding Darcy.  


He broke her and he broke himself, too.  


_You don't know what you've got 'till it's gone.  
  
  
_

Darcy noticed him the moment Steve took a shuddering breath.  
  
She didn't have the strength to face him, but she knew she had to.  
  
“I'll be out of your hair in a moment.”  
  
Her voice was so thin and emotionless, so broken that Steve had to gulp to keep his tears at bay.  
  
“Darcy, please, don't-don't go. I'm sorry. I didn't realise how much you mean to—”  
  
“Stop, please, Steve. _Stop_. I don't want to hear it. You-you can't, okay? I spent the last two months knowing I had to let you go but being unable to do so. I love you, Steve. I love you so fucking much but-but it hurts, you know? It hurts too much and I need to set you free. For me, because I deserve more. I deserve so much more, Steve, but instead I let myself become a shadow of my true self because of you, because of the unrequited love I feel for you. I did everything I could, but this? This is the only way. _I need to let you go and set me free_.” Her breath was ragged, her face shiny because of the tears falling from those soulful eyes.  
  
Those beautiful blue eyes, so full of pain because of him.  
  
“Darcy, please, I can change. I can do better. Just, please, _please_ don't go.” Steve tried to get close to her, but Darcy put her hands up, as if she was afraid of him and was trying to shield herself - from the pain, the immense pain he caused her.  
  
“Don't, Steve. Don't make it harder than it already is. I can't, Steve. I can't live like this. I won't. I deserve much more, so much more.”  


Their story has been toxic since the beginning and Darcy finally knew it was time to love herself a bit more, as much as she deserved.  


So, she took a fortifying breath and looked Steve in the eyes, another stab through his heart when he saw - _he saw_ \- all that sadness, and hurt, and pain in her eyes.  
  
“I deserve much more, Steve. I deserve much more than living with Peggy Carter's shadow looming over me. I deserve much more than waiting for my boyfriend to come home after spending the night out with Peggy's niece, dreading the moment I will catch a whiff of her perfume on his clothes, or a hickey hidden under the collar of his shirt.”  
  
Steve breath stopped in his throat. _She knew_.  
  
How could he hurt her so much?  
  
He cheated on her, put her aside for someone else while stringing her along, while keeping her for what? A few hours of passion? A façade? A safe and stable woman-at-home to wait for him to come back after his nights out? A warm body in his bed at night?  


Darcy kept going on, all her hurt and all the words she'd bottled up inside of her finally bubbling to the surface.  
  
“I deserve much more than seeing myself as never enough, Steve - never beautiful enough, never skinny enough, never competent enough, _never good enough_. I deserve much more than you hurting me repeatedly, than you shattering my heart without even acknowledging it. I deserve much more than this farce of a relationship. I deserve much more than this ghost of a love".  
  
And with those last words, Darcy took her things and walked out of his life - forever.

 

  
  
Steve stayed minutes, or hours, in that same position.  
  
He couldn't think, couldn't breathe.  
  
He kept on repeating the same sentence in his head.  
  
A simple one that'll be the only wound that'll never - ever - heal.  
  
Because, the moment he _finally_ realised how important she was to him, how vital she'd always been, was the moment he realised he loved her, _he loved her_.  
  
But he was too late, because the moment he realised he loved her, he lost her.  
  
Because of his own egotistical needs, because of his not letting go of a past that was just that, the past, because of his own stupid actions...  
  
Because of all the hurt he caused her, he lost her.  


He lost her.  


_He loved her, but he lost her._  


 

 

  
The air in her lungs was heavy, and cold and it was hurting her, but that first breath, that first gulping breath had the taste of freedom, and self-love.  
  
It hurt like a bitch.  
  
Her soul was in pieces, her heart in pain and her body on fire, but she did it.  
  
She did it.  
  
She did it for herself.  
  
Because she was worth loving, damn it.  
  
She was worth being loyal to, and being cared for.  
  
She was worthy of a true love, one that overcomes obstacles and keeps growing.  
  
She was worthy of honesty, and tenderness, and joy.  
  
She was worthy of loving herself first and being loved with as much passion and care as the love she would give others in return.  


She was worthy of all the good things in life and no man will ever - _ever_ -take her worth away, not even Captain America, not even the paragon of truth and justice, the “All-American boy”.  


Not even him.

 

_No-one._

**Author's Note:**

> The rest of the story will be posted on January, 15 2017 - as indicated by the Fundraisers' directions.  
> If you can't resist and are too curious to know what's going to happen... GO DONATE! ;)  
> It's for a good cause.


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